By Sandra Harris

One of my wonderful clients recently contacted me to tell me that a prayer had been answered. She'd spent years in misfit relationships and prayed that the Universe would guide her to an integral man who would treat her with respect, attentiveness, kindness, affection, and someone to approach her as his equal. It seems her prayer has finally been answered, and she's enjoying everything about him.. except his black jeans and red sneakers.
 
Isn't that the way of it? We love them until we find a 'should' or a 'shouldn't'. He shouldn't wear black jeans and red sneakers. This is confusion because he does... reality! As soon as a 'should' or a 'shouldn't' appears we begin to cool towards the object of our affection and blame them for our cooling. Then our confusion deepens as we think the thought that he should go shopping and find jeans and sneakers that I like. This is toxic and destructive thinking because we aren't accepting them as they are... unique and authentic. We have found what we perceive to be a flaw and the unraveling begins. We focus so much on the flaw (which isn't a flaw at all except within ourselves perhaps) that we can no longer see the attributes and qualities that attracted us in the first place!
 
Further confusion arises when he likes his black jeans and red sneakers and doesn't want to go shopping. He's willing to listen to my objection about his black jeans and red sneakers, but he's not willing to allow me to manipulate him into being who I think he should be... complete with fashion do's and don'ts. I become resentful as I embrace the thought that he won't change to accommodate me and that means he doesn't love me. Can you see the toxicity? Can you hear the arrogance? Where's the love in this thinking?
 
"If he really loved me he wouldn't wear those black jeans and red sneakers!" The literal truth is that if I really loved him I'd also love his black jeans and red sneakers.. for HIM. It's not my job to wear black jeans and red sneakers and apparently it's his because he does. As I continue to point out his flaw and my dissatisfaction with his fashion sense, I put him in the tenuous position of having to defend himself to me. We engage in the war of "defense" and then blame the other for the collapse of the relationship.
 
Make no mistake. He's not turning you on or off with his black jeans and red sneakers. It's all about you. "I really like your black jeans and red sneakers! I turn me on. "I hate your black jeans and red sneakers!" I turn me off... what's it got to do with him?
 
Think of someone in your life (a husband, wife, lover... whoever) who 'should' change something to accommodate you and your belief system (even fashion sense is a belief system). Now notice the separation that you experience as you try to change who they are to be a better fit for you. OUCH!! How loving are you when you don't accept him as he is?... black jeans, red sneakers and all. How do you feel when you aren't accepted as you are? And... if he wears black jeans and red sneakers comfortably and it's you who's not comfortable, then simply find someone who doesn't wear black jeans and red sneakers. So much for answered prayers!

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