Dear Confused,

In my mind, forgiveness means being willing to leave the past behind... for his sake, but mostly for yours. The wonderful thing about the past is that it's over!!! :o) When you attach to the thought that you can't forgive him, how do you react? Where do you feel it in your body? How do you treat him and how do you treat yourself? How do you justify it in your mind?

In my experience, the way to forgiveness is to live fully in the present. If you continue to replay a painful story of the past, doesn't it feel as though his affair is still happening? It IS!... but only in YOUR mind. This can be as toxic to your marriage as his affair was/is. For him, the affair is over. For you it continues. Can you remember a time in your life when you betrayed someone? Betrayal is betrayal, only the details are different. If you could have done it differently wouldn't you have? I'll bet you did the very best you could in that moment, and moments change. Maybe you grew in your own integrity from the experience. We're all doing the best we can even if it doesn't appear that way.

Have you forgiven yourself? In my experience forgiveness of others is directly related to my ability to forgive myself. We're all human Sweetie. And... what concept lives beneath your inability to forgive him? There's always a core concept to every thought. Find the concept and challenge it to reveal the literal truth. Maybe the concept sounds like this: Husband's shouldn't cheat on their wives. Sounds reasonable doesn't it? BUT... what's reality? Husbands DO cheat on their wives and wives cheat on their husbands. "Shouldn't" is mythical and has nothing to do with reality. This is the literal truth.

If it serves you, finish this sentence for yourself: My husband cheated on me and that means... . Once you complete the sentence, you'll know what has you stuck. If you'd like some help re framing the experience so the thought can release you, I'd love to help. You can find me under the Browse Coaches tab. Be kind to you as you choose to use this experience to elevate and empower YOU.

Warmly, Sandra Harris

Post edited by: saharris, at: 2007/05/20 23:03